Sunday, February 20, 2011

Touring Mexico, One Funny Jesus at a Time

A few years back I went traveling through Mexico, touring old colonial cities, eating amazing food, and visiting quirky museums (naturally). And no matter where I went, from rural villages to giant cities, from the desert to the tropics, two themes kept popping up: creepy babies and funny Jesuses. Do you know what Zacatecans like to see in their museums? Creepy babies and funny Jesuses. Do you know what Oaxacans fill their churches with? Creepy babies and funny Jesuses. Do you know what tourists will flock to Mexico City by the millions to view? Creepy babies and funny Jesuses.

So if you're avoiding a trip to Mexico because you don't want to get caught up in a war fueled by Americans' insatiable appetite for drugs and guns, just sit back and relax because I bring you The Best of Mexico: Creepy Babies and Funny Jesuses Edition.

First, the Jesuses:

Goth Christ
Jesus goes all out for Goth Night at Crucifixxx, Jerusalem's hottest dance club.

Gay Bathhouse Jesus
Why do all the gay guys like Jesus so much? Because he's hung like this!

French Lover Jesus
"Step into my boudoir, mon cherie, and you shall experience pleasures unknown to mortals."

Space Christ
Mars ain't the kind of place to raise the dead.

70s Pornstar Christ
"What's that ladies? You want me to touch you deep inside?"

Rasta Christ
"I knew I should have asked to be stoned instead."

Hippie Christ
Jesus found that a tie-dyed loin cloth and hemp necklace really helped get his message of peace and brotherly love across to the masses. The LSD in the holy water helped, too.

And now, the Creepy Babies:

Screaming Creepy Babies
Shut up, you little brats! You know what we do with babies who won't shut the hell up?

Crushing Creepy Babies
We crush their heads!

Armless Creepy Baby
...and we chop off their arms.

Creepy Baby Collection
This is about as creepy as it gets. Imagine these things on your mantelpiece, staring down at you at night.

Creepy Baby Ambassador
This creepy baby is especially welcoming.

Creepy Baby in Porcelain
Don't let the helpless pose fool you. This creepy baby makes Chucky look like a Kewpie doll.

Creepy Mummy Babies
Isn't that cute? They're like little dolls.

Creepy Baby Christ, M.D.
This one is the perfect marriage of Creepy Babies and Funny Jesuses. And... modern medicine? (I would make a joke about Jewish doctors at this point, but that's been done.)

This concludes our tour of Mexico's creepy babies and funny Jesuses. And without a single beheading.


  1. I think I saw bathhouse Jesus at Chute one day. He was blown out. :)

  2. This is so great! It's refreshing to know that there are nice people out there who share my thoughts on babies and jesuses. They both suck! Kill me already.

  3. Wow. This is awesome. I just laughed a lot.

  4. Holy crap! This is hilarious. If you haven't already, you really should submit some of these Jesuses to One of my fav websites. Hours of fun for the kids! Well, at least the grownup ones...